Wednesday, May 05, 2004

[transmission start]

Thoughts: What if... and the theory of close proximity

What if... the only person that could stop you from hurting you inside is the one who hurt you in the first place, and it wasn't her fault that she did.

What if...you realised that you wanted to let her know how you felt about her, but were scared that it would change the whole relationship between you, and that you weren't really sure of the feelings in the first place.

What if... she sort of told you she wasn't interested in you. it wasn't directly said but sort of implied, and you knew that your chances with her were 0. she never said she didn't like you as a friend, only implied that she couldn't possibly like you 'that' way. yet being the stubborn person you are, you hoped against all hope.

What if... you did decide to tell her, and you knew that she'd probably say she wouldn't think of you any differently, but you knew things would change (at least from your point of view), although you haven't told her. it's just an assumption.

What if... you thought the best way to end the whole thing would be to stay away from her as much as possible so as not to hurt each other, or change the relationship, because you still want to hold on to what you have with her as a friend. Even if it meant that you broke a promise you made that you'd be there for her when she needed you.

What if... you knew that despite your best efforts to do this, minimising all contact with her would just make you hurt even more, but you have no idea what else you can do, cos somehow you being around her is unavoidable.

What if... she knew that you were writing this about her and she sort of figured it out, and that she would never forgive you. and that you might actually lose her as a friend forever.

What if... Saying sorry wasn't enough. And you'd have to live with the consequences of your stupid decision for quite a long time, maybe even forever.

What if... You realised this was a sort of cycle that kept happening to you every time you got close to someone, who would become a pretty close friend of yours, and you had no idea how to stop it?

What if... the only reason you could write it in the blog was because there would be no one else to tell, because you knew that if you did, the whole cycle might start over, and that's the last thing you wanted.

what if, indeed?

I don't know if you've ever heard of the theory of close proximity, but i read about it somewhere. it's not exactly an official thing, but it's logical. the guy who came up with the idea used the rationale that if you hang around with someone long enough (a guy and a girl), then perhaps after a long while you sort of get attracted to the other person. i don't know how true it is, but i do think it holds some sense.

till next time...

[transmission end]

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chr1s0ng put the word on the street at 8:49 PM
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