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thoughts: decisions, decisions....

I read somewhere that life is built on character, and character built on decisions. the choices we make, great and small shape your life (not exactly in those words). Every day we're faced with decisions - what to eat, what to do.... some days there are more, some days there are less... sometimes you no longer have to make them, because they become part of a routine. but everything started of as a decision.

every time, you have to choose. there are always at least 2 choices - the easy way and the hard way.... or more like the wrong way and the right way.... more often than not, it's the easy way that's the wrong way... nobody ever said that whatever was good for you tasted good (or was easy) - think vegetables. and for the record, someone said that 'the path of least resistance makes both men and rivers crooked'.

Recently, i've been faced with a decision, and a choice to make. it seems such an easy thing to do - make a choice. but it isn't an easy one, although to others the choice is so glaringly obvious. especially if the choice is between a case of 'hang on, or let go'. hanging on would mean more harm than letting go in this case, and yet i wonder why it is such a hard choice to make. but sometimes we're like that - proud, refusing to submit. that's what letting go is, in a sense - submitting, or surrendering. it's saying,'Ok fine, i give up'. but because of our (in this case, my) own stubborness we find it hard to let go, submit or surrender.

i mean, i've sat down, asked God to take this away from me, and believe me, i think He has... but the problem is that although He's taken it, i still find that for some stubborn reason, i'm holding on to that thing, not giving it away entirely. that's one of the hardest bits, because we being who we are, have in-built tendencies to want to be in control of the situations - submission is the complete opposite of that, because it is relinquishing control. meaning that you are at the mercy of another, and you feel helpless. but essentially, that's what God wants. because submitting to Him means dependance on Him.

people who submit or surrender are often regarded to be 'weak'. now, we're not talking in terms of fighting, but like submitting to authority. that kind of submission. it actually takes a pretty strong person to put aside his pride and actually sincerely submit because he knows he has to. it boils back down to self-centredness and ego. can you put it aside for the bigger picture? i'm not sure if i can...

so i've made the decision, but i haven't made it wholeheartedly. there's a difference, and that's why i'm still hurting (i think). nobody ever said it would be an easy one to make (if you were in my position), but it'll have to be made. to let go, to move on. no point dwelling on a situation in which you have no control. sure, some may say there's still hope, don't give up... keep trying... but honestly, if there was another chance, opportunity would present itself. and only God could give that opportunity. you don't go around looking for it, trying to make it happen.

it sounds bleak, but that's it. that's the reality. i guess that's why it's often referred to as the harst realities of life. because it's true - sometimes, reality is harsh.

till next time....

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