Saturday, September 04, 2004

[transmission start]

thoughts: question of existence...

do you ever question your existence? like why you are the way you are, what makes you who you are? i do... well, i've had other days like today. but those were really long ago. never thought days like this would ever come around again. but it did - when i woke up this morning. so anyway....

there used to be times when i sat down and wondered... why was i the way i was? why wasn't i "normal"? it's true that no one really ever is "normal", but in my case i wondered why did i have to be epileptic, to have extra restrictions that "ruled" my life. it all came back to me last night, during the SWAPS AGM. here's the background:

i joined SWAPS (society of social work and pyschology students) early this sem. some of my friends wanted me to run for exco. me being me, i was dead against it, but i had no idea how to explain to them. they told me i should move out of my comfort zone, because you won't know if you can do it till you try. so they nominated me last night, and i had a violent reaction to that. i think i freaked one of my friends out (sorry Xiaoyan). but inside i knew i couldn't do it. that i couldn't commit full-time cos of the other stuff i have to do, and basically because of the way i am. and when i watched the camp video (which i didn't go for), it served even more as a reminder of what i am.

because of my condition, i always felt i would be a burden to my friends. that they'd always have to somehow keep watch over me. i know that as friends that they'd do that anyway, but i never really felt right with it. i was like some time-bomb, waiting to explode (or have a fit). that's why i figured that i'd probably remain single for the rest of my life. it'd never be fair to my partner that she'd have to look out for me when i'm the one that should be watching out for her. kind of conflicts with the inate desire to try and find someone...

i'd never ever stayed overnight for a camp, done stuff like night cycling, not because i can't, but because for me it's dangerous and makes my condition unstable, and make me even more of a burden to my friends, especially if i'm supposed to be helping in the o-comm or something (like in T-retreat). i'm glad that the friends i have are understanding, and they don't see me as being a burden. but to those who have been there when things have happened, well they know what happens when it all goes wrong. i know it highlights my insecurity, but i just wished that i could 'be like everybody else'.

i think that's why i have this mentality i've analysed, that i continuously try to watch my friends' backs (look out for them, see if they're ok). but the only problem with this is what Mel told me before - sometimes i care too much, and that i hurt myself in the process. i'd like to put an additional spin on that -i care too much, and as a result don't watch my own back. that's why i get hurt. kind of defeats the original purpose right?

i guess ultimately it's down to the fact that i'm a coward - not wanting to step out of the comfort zone i have. but that seems to be the only way to minimise anything happening. which would make things worse, frankly speaking. i'll get over this thing, cos i usually do. so don't worry about me...

till next time...

[transmission end]

-
chr1s0ng put the word on the street at 5:09 PM
|