Saturday, June 03, 2006

[transmission start]

thoughts: staring into the darkness of your soul...

"The Summoning Dark symbol commands an entity as old as the universe. But it has no real body and very little physical strength; it can cover a million dimensions in a blink of an eye but could barely make it across a room. It works through living creatures, especially ones it finds... amenable. It found you, Commander, a cauldron of anger, and in small subtle ways saw that you got it to this place."

-Grag Bashfull Bashfullson, Thud! by Terry Pratchett

"He created me. Quis custodiet ipos custodes? Who watches the watchmen? Me. I watch him. Always."

"what kind of human creates his own policeman?"

"One who fears the dark."

"And so he should," said the entity with satisfaction

"Indeed. But i think you misunderstand. I am not here to keep the darkness out. I'm here to keep it in. Call me... the Guarding Dark. Imagine how strong i must be."

- from Thud! by Terry Pratchett

and thus we start this post proper

within the depth of every human soul, there lives 'the beast'. the primal, violent instincts present in all of us (in varying degrees). it is this darkness that we guard against. the darkness that results in blinding rage and rash actions that we tend to regret in periods of sanity. the darkness and rage that drives men to murder, kill and destroy. the darkness that causes a red mist to descend and cloud our judgement.

"It's one thing to lose someone. Loss is final. But it's entirely different to almost lose someone. it's a different kind of rage. it's blinding."

- "What if Karen Page had lived?", Marvel Comics What If? series.

and now i examine myself. i see the beast, the darkness straining to get loose. the beast bays for blood. and the darkness threatens to take over the soul. a little like the Hulk and Dark Phoenix in a way. both are repressed sides of people. repressed sides that when unleashed do damage beyond their owner's own belief. and every day i imagine what would happen if i lost control. i know that without a restraint i don't fight fair. and that i keep the person down till they can't get up - a pretty scary thought if you've met me before and never imagine i'd do something like that. i haven't gone that far. but i can imagine what would happen if i let loose the beast.

in my own head i can hear the roar. the roar of rage, a cue for the destruction to begin. and i repress it. otherwise it will take control and destroy everyone and everything around me.

my mum nearly went over the edge (no thanks to a particular person). and that nearly sent me over the edge. i spent the day on sentosa, oblivious to the problems going on at that same instant kilometers away. and when i think back on what i might have done if i had been there, i really do get scared sometimes.

keeping the berzerker in. that's the hard part. so far i've managed. but for how much longer?

this is why chris has to walk alone. because anyone else following along is putting themselves at serious risk.

till next time...

[transmission end]

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chr1s0ng put the word on the street at 2:00 PM
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