Friday, May 18, 2007

[transmission start]

thoughts: dark side...

I always knew i had a vindictive streak - a streak that comes from a lot of unresolved anger. And lately its been manifesting itself. A lot. If you're not sure what i mean, think of spiderman 3 when the black suit is in control. And just like Peter Parker, i'm scared of what it makes me.

Mainly because now there's this heightened agression i'm feeling, as well as this burning anger that just won't seem to go away. And I take it out on people (like my mum) by being grouchy, silent and moody (and naturally she doesn't like it. who does?)

She thinks its because of my work which makes me tired. That may be true to some degree, but ultimately that's not the main cause (in my opinion anyway). A lot of the anger stems from the situation i'm in right now. The anger has built up from lots of little things, like wounds that are meant to be healed perpetually getting prodded open. I know she means well (and maybe its just being kaypoh too), but frankly i just want to move on. so let me. Asking about it doesn't help one bit. Considering that i think about it and it just causes the anger to spiral, i just have to say that what's being done doesn't make things any better. It makes them worse.

Part of the problem is how this state of limbo is driving me mad. I'm obsessing over it. And it occupies my thoughts in whatever free time i have (that's why i think work is good because then i don't have time to think about this kind of thing). Mainly it stems from the fact that i hate it that i'm right. That i did the right thing (though it really hurt). And that there were a whole ton of good reasons to do it. And that by doing it and analysing all those reasons i realise how totally crap i am. And that's why when she unintentionally rubs it in, the anger just spirals.

There's been more than once where i've felt like taking a stick and beating someone to death (or compromised and used the stick to smash my basketball hoop at home. But i don't. firstly because even though that lessens the suppressed anger and frustration through cartharsis, it raises a lot more questions than i would like - making things even more complicated (and possibly make things worse). secondly, most of the time when i decide to do it, the anger has passed (or rather, kind of decreased in intensity till the point that there really is no point in doing it).

The issue now is that i have to apply a lot of self control to prevent myself from killing someone if they push me too far. I don't think i'll really do something like that because its just too messy (i like to be realistic and practical. some things should just be avoided). but i might just take it out on someone who doesn't deserve it. and it doesn't have to be physical either (sometimes emotional hurts more and longer than physical).

whatever it is, if this keeps up, i'm going to turn into someone really dark, moody and aggressive (and i categorically state that it is NOT the same as being "emo". to me anyway) to quote the wise Yoda - "fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to the Dark Side." I so do NOT like where this is going.

till next time...

[transmission end]

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chr1s0ng put the word on the street at 11:55 PM
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